things

I realize that I am not the most eloquent person when it comes to expressing my thoughts, thus the simple title. I was on the verge of thinking of something to encompass all of the thoughts swirling and tumbling around in my head, but nothing stuck. For some reason, I thought that blogging sounded like something I wanted to return to tonight. Maybe because I am procrastinating going through my life's collection of 'things'(more on that later), or writing thank-you notes didn't sound super riveting, or I'm in one of my spending too much money remorseful times. Whatever it was that got me to turn to my blog, after consistently neglecting it, here I am. I don't know how to blog without journaling. I think of journaling as an honest, no beating around the bush, straightforward log of my innermost thoughts, desires, and happenings. The purpose of my blog is I guess to share with a couple of other people whom I don't get to talk with on a regular basis about my little ol' life (probably in much more depth than most of the people that I do talk with on a regular basis).
I guess the biggest tumult of my life right now is where do I belong? My heart's answer is the SF Bay Area, with my immediate family. But then there is my best friend that lives here in SoCal, and my Gram in West Virginia. I came to a decision about 8 weeks ago, that I want to accomplish one of my life goals of driving across the country and live with my grandma for a while before moving back up to the Bay Area and putting my roots down there. My grandma had asked me a couple of years ago if I would live with her for a bit in WV. I was excited to do it, but wasn't quite ready then. I'd started making plans, but backed out. I didn't see how it'd be feasible to do it with no money, no job to save money, and no plan for after. I wasn't really ready to leave SoCal and everything that was developing for me at that point. I'm not sure if I'm ready this time either, but the way that life's panned out, I feel like at least it is the right time to do this. I've worked at Sunshine for 2 years, and loved it so much. I still love it. But there are many things that just haven't worked out in the past 8 months for me that have pushed me towards the decision, and many things that have worked that are pushing me toward the decision. Things that haven't worked out:
-where I live. It sucks. Many crappy stories, and expectations that fell through the floor. Awkwardness and rudeness.
-No relationship. If God doesn't want me to be in one right now, it's not going to happen, and I need to stop thinking that I can orchestrate something on my own when I'm not so much the one in control. This eHarmony thing just gets my hopes up, and then drops me hard each time I am rejected by these guys who are only interested in looks. Not sure why I thought it would work for me. Guess I was desperate...ugh...pathetic.

[Jesus, if this is Your will,
then YES to being single.
In my deepest heart, i want to marry,
to belong to a great man;
to know that i am linked to his life . . .
and he to mine . . .
following Christ and our dreams together . . .
but You know what i need.
if i never marry, it is YES to You.]
From Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by John Piper

-Miss my family. I never thought I'd be one of those people who didn't return home after graduating from college. There are weekends when I don't have anything at all to do, and I'll call my mom and she doesn't have anything to do either. She's mentioned several times that if we lived closer, how we would be doing things together. Even if it was just walking the mall/going shopping, or going to see a movie together. And I miss my sister. She's about to turn 17, and I've missed out on her teenage years. I could've been such a positive influence on her life, but I was selfish and decided to live down here for myself. I have come to the conclusion that I have had my adventure of moving to SoCal for college, and yes, I've lived here for a good portion of my adult life, but I don't feel super connected to the land down here. Yes, the beaches are nice, but land and it's terrain isn't why I moved down here, and it's not what will keep me here. I'm not in love with the glamour, and especially don't like the superficial ways of SoCal. Wayyyy too many people are obsessed and concerned with looks. I've never met so many people that spend the amount of money that the majority of people do on their appearances with tanning, gyms, lasik, skin laser, boob jobs, teeth whitening, braces, pedi/manis, waxing, and the list goes on. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be fit and healthy, but it costs a lot of money, even just to have a gym membership. It's sad that even the 4 year old kids think that you are a freak if you are overweight.
Things that have worked out:
-I've always wanted to go on an extended road trip, seeing the Grand Canyon on the way. I'm a bit apprehensive to embark on such a long adventure with a cat in the backseat, and with an 11 year old Plymouth Neon with 137,450 miles on it, in the middle of summer... but if it's ever going to happen, I figure this is it regardless of the slight inconveniences. If I'm moving back up to the Bay Area anyway, might as well get this amazing adventure taken care of while I can. My bff amanda and her husband have SOOO graciously offered their apartment's loft for me to live in for 3 months RENT FREE. All because they are fellow followers of Christ that want to help me out. Without this offer, I wouldn't be able to afford to do this trip.
-My dad moved back into his 3 bedroom house in Antioch, CA. He was living out of his RV for a while, and renting out his house to random people, but he said that after I've lived in WV, I can move in with him (and his girlfriend) for very little rent. Sure, there are some big drawbacks to doing this, I know, but hopefully it wouldn't be for super long. I'd get a job that hopefully could allow me to move into a place of my own. (Ideally.) In my dreamiest of dreams, I would be working as a Preschool Teacher at a Christian school.
If I don't find a job in WV, my trip may only be for a few months. I'll say that if I don't have a job within 3 months, that I have to move back to CA. I'm thinking that that's all I'll really want to stay anyway, for I'm not sure I'd be able to do a WV winter with the tons of snow and all. In a way, I kinda want to plan it so that I just stay for 3 months, jobless, living it up hiking and such in WV, traveling up the East coast a bit, see NY and MA, and when the first snow falls, I pack up and head west. Autumn in WV is the season I wanted to experience the most anyway, and that's seeming like the best plan, is to just spend a season in WV. I'll be home for Christmas in sunny California.
So now comes the packing. I currently have every single possession that I've ever owned and wanted to keep with me. Unfortunately, I have a deep connection to too many clothing items and toys to make the ordeal of moving an easy thing. I have tried over the years since I've become an adult to sort through my collections and get rid of things. But it is sooo hard. I currently have about 8 totes full of things that I want. I need to get that down to about 5, ideally 4, for my dad to move back up to his house. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it. The thought of parting with some of my childhood toys, collections and stuffed animals is too much for me to bear. These things are a part of who I am, and they evoke such deep memories and happy feelings of a simpler time, that I can't voluntarily get rid of much of it. I have hundreds of books and just over 100 dvd's, and over a hundred beanie babies, and about 75 stuffed animals, and 50+ T-shirts that people either made for me or that I went on trips with my Youth Group in, or my Girl Scout uniforms that I kept over 10 years of being a Girl Scout. My old stereo that I made tons of mixed tapes with, the hamster cage with accessories that amanda surprised me with for a birthday present with Pudge in it. My pog collection and my pog maker. My sticker collection. All of my arts and crafts stuff. Expensive Halloween costumes, and halloween decorations. A bunch of Christmas decorations. Tons of blankets and pillows and towels and sweatshirts. Old schoolwork, big projects I did from High School and College. My inline skates, scooter, bike. My two folding beach chairs and my boogie board. My sleeping bag and camping mat. I have SOOO much stuff. That list is probably about half of the stuff that I own. Not to mention the things that I use often, like my TV and dresser and clothes in my closet and nightstand with alarm clock. My laptop and it's lapdesk. SO much frickin stuff. It really is out of control. Its like I need a storage unit. Or just someone who could come and buy all of my stuff off of me. Sigh. But yeah, I'm procrastinating going through all of that. I'm moving in about 5 weeks, and I know I need to get a move on with sorting through my life, but I've never really been a plan ahead type of person. More of a last minute kinda gal. Even if that means staying up, getting maybe 5 hours a sleep each night for several nights, so be it.
Oh, heavens to Betsy, I need help.
Hopefully I will keep this updated throughout this summer (and beyond!)