oh the waiting

Life is one huge time of waiting. Waiting for a birthday, waiting to accomplish a goal, waiting in line at the store, or more common in L.A.; waiting to go whilst in traffic. I don't think I've met a person who has said, "you know, I just love waiting". I'm sure there would be times when waiting wouldn't be as bad, for maybe it is awaiting potentially upsetting news. But I think even then, waiting would be difficult. My bestie and I were having a discussion the other day about time.(i'm sure we've had a similar discussion before, and i'm sure it wasn't the last time we'll try hashing it out) We were talking about how so many weeks just drag on and feel like they are taking so long, but when you look back on a time, it feels like it flew by. How does that work?!
I just re-signed up for eHarmony, after not being on it for over a year. I was very bitter about the fact that I didn't even start communicating with even one guy within three months. I would be matched with some guys, get really excited that they sounded good, I'd take pictures of their profile pics on my phone and show the guy to people, and then they would close the match. It sucked. The rollercoaster of emotions that I faced, even if not really rooted in much, were not fun. I figured something was wrong with me and nobody wanted me, even just my basic profile-d me. I went to my best friend's wedding last August, who met the love of her life on eHarmony just 3 months before I signed up. She kept encouraging me to reenroll, and I was still bitter and hurt. I used the valid excuse that i didn't have money. Then, several months ago, another one of my friends met the love of her life on eHarmony too. This was a big nudge for me to consider reenrolling. I decided that i would just go for it, use my federal tax return, and do it. I figure, 'what can it hurt?' for a year of hope, it is worth it. But it's only day 3, and i'm having second thoughts. The WAITING is killing me. The first night I signed up, this past Sunday night, I was matched with an amazing-sounding guy. He's not too bad looking, either. His name is Sean, and from the sound of his profile, he is a solid, devoted follower and fellow relationship with Christ man. I requested to have his first questions, and he sent them back with his answers, and requested to have my answers to the first questions (stage 1). The next morning, he sent me his 'must-haves' and 'can't stands' and I sent him mine (stage 2). Then, I initiated/requested to proceed with stage 3, which is a bit more time-consuming, with him having to come up with questions for me to answer. And this is where the stalemate comes in. I now wait. I have been checking eHarmony RELIGIOUSLY, obsessively, constantly, to no avail. And I hate it. The anticipation that he could close the match at any time, for any reason, which he could wait a week or more to do, he could be persuing another woman and choose her and shut me down. Not only do I feel like this could just be a repeat of what happened in Fall 2008, but I am a bit more lonely and ready for a relationship at this point. I feel like this time it's going to be even more challenging for me, too, because I do have it for a year, and I'm going to expect instant connection, and it could take 10 months of this horrible process with who knows how many guys. Do I have the self-esteem and confidence to keep getting put on hold or shut down? I hope so. I know that if after a year of this endeavor I have nothing to show for it, I'm going to be very bitter, upset, humiliated and discouraged. It's hard not to have expectations going into something that has worked for so many people. That may be my downfall, but honestly, I guess I can't get much further down the loner road than when I first began!
Sigh.
Here's to hope... That elusive and unpredictable conception.