I had dinner with a friend of mine tonight and the topic of dating came up. She was asking about my roomie and how long we've been roomies for (since September 2005) and then some questions about her fiancee, etc. The conversation then lead to where do/ should single lonely people go to meet other single lonely people? This was the exact question I have been asking for a solid year now. (And probably a question that every single lonely person asks close to everyday)(If there were an answer to it, there probably would be a lot less single, lonely people!) I told her this, and then I said that the only idea that I've come up with is to go to a singles' group at a church, seeing as I'm looking for a man who is in love with Christ. She said, well, yes, but if I were to do that, then I might wind up falling for a guy. This is where I was then confused as to what her position was. She sort of cleared up that she really is just wanting to 'commiserate with fellow lonely people'. This was a tad confusing to me. I guess my mindset right now is FIND THE ONE, FIND THE ONE!! and hers was not. Granted, she is 4 years younger than me, still in college, is really smart and super sweet- basically she has everything going for her. But her mindset, her desire is to REMAIN alone. She says that she is passionate about being alone&lonely. I have NEVER and probably will never enjoy lonliness. Why is it that some people would/could?! Is it selfishness? Laziness? My thoughts on love are that it isn't love unless it is given away. Hoarding love just doesn't work. I guess sometimes I see benefits to being single, but most of the time, I don't appreciate it like my friend claims to.
This past Saturday was our Pre-K's graduation. Four classes of 17 kids each graduated/ were promoted to Kindergarten. Very cute. In case I haven't expressed how much I love these kids, I absolutely love 95% of the kids in my class. We spend more waking hours a week with these kids than their parents do. We see their good and their bad with their fellow classmates. We know who sucks on their fingers at naptime and know who prefers ranch with their Pita chips. But that is not the point I was originally getting at, even though it does need to be mentioned every now and then. :) The point I was getting at was that for the graduation, my coworker, Mariana wanted to get me all fancied up. She kept saying, 'you never know when you will meet that someone special!'. So she hooked me up with a new hair style- bangs and highlights- and took me shopping for a new dress. I looked pretty good, I must say. I can't remember the last time I got that dressed up for any event outside of Senior Ball. Sure, I have become mostly a pessimist when it comes to actually meeting anyone who could potentially work out to be someone I talk to or talk to ever again... and so I went with mostly that attitude. Mariana kept saying 'there will be a lot of uncles there!' and while I wanted to brush that off, when I got to the event, there was one of the kids in my class with his family, and sure enough, there was a HOT uncle!! This kid, one of the cutest kids ever, is one of my faves in the class. He is the oldest in our class, and as such, he has a sharper sense of humor than a lot of the others. It was funny because the first thing my mind starts wandering off to is, hey! Evan would be my nephew if I were to be with his uncle! really? did I just jump to that place? Then i feel guilty for thinking of that when i have never (and still haven't) met the guy. Out of the blue today though, Evan was wearing a T-Shirt that this same uncle (Uncle Chris) gave him for his graduation. So he talked about his new shirt from this said uncle, and then he talked about his other uncle, too. The other thing that would be awesome (if I may continue in this theoretical daydream) is that Evan's mom, Tina (who is probably in her early 30's) is without a doubt one of the nicest mom's in our class(the only one who gave me and Amanda a hug on Saturday and said 'thank you so much for everything') would be my sister-in-law! (See, I went there again, and I feel weird, but whatevs) I couldn't stop thinking about all of these things today. Yes, I do feel a bit pathetic, but I really have no other potential candidates ANYWHERE around. I work with 24 other women. Therefore, hopes of finding someone in the workplace is OUT. Unless, one of the 24 women's husbands or fiancees or boyfriends have friends. That would be my only shot. But i have asked around some of the girls if their significant others would have any friends who would be interested in me, and i have yet to get a positive response out of any of them. Is this a good thing that they are doing the check-off list instead of the most-likely superficial, jerky guys? So should I be appreciative or incredibly depressed? Lately, it tends to lean towards the depressed aspect!
I swear, sometimes I wonder if I didn't have this job working with kids who are constantly giving me hugs, and kisses on the cheek, and wanting to sit in my lap, and that tell me that they love me often, I would be super depressed. Like so many days, I can't imagine going to a job and work without those happy things awaiting me. Even when my hours are getting cut this summer, I am so blessed to have the job that I do. I absolutely love it and can not imagine doing anything else.
I hope and pray that someday, I can have a child of my own to love. To be able to hug and squeeze and kiss a child that is my very own would be bliss. How amazing would that be to have a child that was created by your cell and the the seed of the person that you love more than any other in the entire world uniting together, have it grow inside of you for 9 months and be the product of half of you and half of your soulmate? I can almost imagine the intense bond that that would be! Sigh. oh how I long for it. I feel like my maternal desires have really kicked it up a notch lately for some reason. It could have something to do with the fact that I have no idea what's going on with my body (and don't have the money to afford to figure out what is wrong, either. My thought is to pretend that I am an illegal alien and then they can't deny me full health coverage!) but it probably is just some separation anxiety with my kids. I only have 3 more days with them all. It almost brings me to tears just thinking about it now.
Okay, gotta go, this blog has been quite personal and emotional!
That's how I roll!! haha
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