Worst Blogger Ever

Yep, I think it can be made official now, I am the most unfaithful and overall the worst Blogger ever. I soak up several of my friends' blogs, enjoying the things they write about, without ever reciprocating and myself blogging. I think it has a lot to do with being self-concious of my lack of capabilities in verbal expression. I have always struggled with the issue of thinking so many things in my head, but not knowing how to express them in words. Thus, I feel inadequate in blogging a lot of the time. I could give a bunch of really lame excuses like I don't have the time, but that would be not true, seeing as I live alone 98% of the time, and don't have cable TV. A lot of the time I try to keep myself busy by either shopping (which I don't have money, so really isn't a smart idea- taking up blogging more would be a much more economical choice!!), going to the gym (a few evenings a week), or going over to someone's house (thank goodness I now have friends that invite me over occasionally!) Another lame excuse is that while I like to think I am good with computers, I'm not. I don't fully comprehend how to design my Blogger page, etc. But like I said, all lame excuses.

This extended weekend has been very nice. Restful, gorgeous, chill. I got to hang out with all of my good friends. Misty, Amanda, and Jenn at different points in the weekend. Saturday I ran some errands and then just kicked back and watched Sex and the City and made chicken quesadillas with Mist. Yesterday I went to my all time favorite church, Cornerstone Community Church in Simi Valley, then to lunch at CPK with Brian and Amanda and to David's Bridal with just Amanda. Went to the gym, came home and watched "Taken" (which was a really good movie*) and then I fell asleep. Great day. Today, I woke up at 9:11 and realized, Oh Crap! I wanted to make it to the gym in time to take the 9:45 Pilates class. So I figured out that I had 15 minutes to get ready, and so I did it! However, I did not like the teacher of this Pilates class much at all. First of all, there was no music. I think my favorite part about Pilates is the calming music. Tuesday of last week was Enya- loved it! The Thursday night class with Julie (super nice and cute lady) has my favorite music-it has like oceanside sounds: waves crashing, seagulls crooning(isn't an obnoxious bird sound, it's like pretty, distant birds), and piano and violins. The best. She always says at the really difficult parts- 'we're just spending a day at the beach! Just a day at the beach!!' Haha. She is like half of the intensity of the mean, no music lady today. I was glad, as usual, that I'd went, it was just a really long, painful hour. We did a lot of stuff at plank (all fours) including a lot of push ups, and I felt like the only baby in there who couldn't do everything because my wrists were KILLING ME. I actually had to sit lots of the exercises out because it hurt my wrists so badly. Sad times. I never have that issue in the other classes, probably because they are more accomidating to less in shape people like myself. The daytime Pilates people are hardcore. They don't need music, they do a million reps of something to where you feel numb afterwards (the teacher even said, yeah, after doing these butt exercises, you may feel numb when moving yourself to the other side...) Umm, yep, she nailed it! I almost fell flat on my side when switching sides because the pain had transformed my muscle into a useless numb blob. Not sure if that is a good thing...
So after the Nazi Pilates, I went to return Amanda's "Taken" rental, and I noticed that Hollywood Video was having a huge sale on Previously-Viewed DVDs! (Really, the last thing I need to be doing is spending money on DVD's...but I saw a few that I'd been wanting for either $4 each, or $8 each.) So I bought 5 DVD's for $30. Six bucks per DVD is not bad. Especially for movies like "Slumdog Millionaire, Sex and the City, Pineapple Express, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall". I think my favorite purchase was "The Little Prince"- brand new for $5!!! I LOVED that movie growing up, and it's kinda been my thing in the past several years that if I see a movie on DVD that I watched on VHS when I was a kid, I buy it. My mom has gotten rid of a lot of my childhood movies on VHS and it is very depressing. Movies that I've loved that I probably won't see again! My biggest thing is that if I ever have kids, they will not get to experience the wonderful movies that I did. They just don't and probably won't make movies for kids the way they used to. So I was glad to find "The Little Prince" for five bucks.
Then I went home and sliced the delicious watermelon that Misty had given me the other half of the other day and as I was slicing it, got a text from Jenn that they were BBQing for lunch at noon, so to come over if I wanted to hang out. It was 11:40am. I was still in my gym clothes, unshowered. So I hurried and got ready then headed out to Jenn's on the other side of town. (I was able to bring the yummy watermelon, so I was glad I'd chosen to slice that baby when I did!) Basically just ate hot dogs and hung around at Jenn's. I see Jenn everyday, and I kinda feel like all we talk about (when there's talking) outside of work is just work. We watched Hancock and Valkyrie. I liked Hancock more than I did Valkyrie. Then I decided to head-out. It is ALWAYS a weird thing for me when to leave someone's house when they don't have any other plans (...and I don't have any other plans). I don't want to over-stay my welcome, but I don't want to seem like I wasn't enjoying hanging out and need to leave ASAP, either. It's a fine line. I kinda made up the excuse that I needed to get home to work on my laundry... which isn't a lie, I do need to do my laundry, but I wasn't actually planning on DOING my laundry. I face that issue all the time when hanging out with Misty, too. I want to stay as long as I can with her because 1)I love her, think she's great, lots of fun to be around and 2)I have no one and nothing awaiting me at my apartment but lonliness and quiet. I keep thinking I should enjoy it now, while I have it, because I will be moving in with 3 (sorta 4) other people, a dog, and two cats. There will probably NEVER be quiet. At least I'm expecting it to be like a mini-dorm in a way. (Just without the no drinking rules, the curfew rules, the pets, etc.) I am seriously considering getting a kitty of my own. I have wanted a cat for so long, but haven't been able to because I've either been in a dorm or a stupid apartment that doesn't allow pets. As soon as I say that though, I start thinking that pets, even just a cat, costs a lot of money. Food and litter are the least of my worries. Is that the majority of what it takes to own a cat? If so, then I'd be okay. My worry is that if something goes wrong with the pet, if it gets sick, or gets electrocuted, or claws it's own eyeball or something. Then what would I do? I couldn't afford it's vet bills. I'm torn. I guess I need some advice. Misty has offered me her two cats several times(the little 'shitmonsters' as she refers to them), and while I do like Max, her male kitty, he's really the only one I'd want. But his sister, Roxy, comes as a package deal. She isn't a mean cat or anything, she just isn't as personable as Max. And I wouldn't want TWO cats. For now, I'm really enjoying just loving on Misty's cats while she has to pay the money for them. Haha.
I am excited to be moving. Some things, not as excited about, like the 15 minute 'commute' to work- (I've just been so spoiled living 1.2 miles from my job) and the area just isn't as centrally located as downtown Valencia is. We're like 3 miles out of town, which isn't a huge deal, again, I've just been spoiled living a couple of minutes from anything I needed here in the middle of town.
I start to wonder how long I will be living in Jenn and Steve's place. I want nothing more than to meet someone, get engaged and move in with within a year or so. That would be my dream. Meet someone now, date them for a year, get engaged, and be out of Jenn and Steve's by late December 2010. Yeah, in my dreams. I have had ZERO luck with guys thus far, and I'm 24. Sure, it is still young, it is just a tad worrysome that at this age, I've never been in a serious relationship. It sucks, actually. I have struggled so much with this over the past year. (Since graduating college). I guess I always thought that someone would just appear either during college or shortly thereafter. And it didn't happen. Now, I don't even know where to meet single twenty-something guys. I figured since I'm not willing to comprimise having a Christian husband, that the best place to look for guys would be at a church. Well, I've been to a bunch of churches over the past year and haven't had much luck at all with meeting anyone. I know it would probably take more than a few visits to a church to actually meet someone, but none-the-less, I've lost almost all hope at this point. It's a depression I've been fighting off, but it is slowly taking its toll on me. It is winning. Apparently some people enjoy their singleness- I do not. I wonder if it is that much worse because I am 400 miles away from my family, and I hardly ever see them. I've seen them four times in the past year. Now that is depressing. I saw them last May for my graduation, in August for an end of summer- in between jobs visit, at Christmas, and my birthday in April. Three out of the four times, I had to drive up there. Which I guess is understandable, there's only one of me, and there's 4 of them. But it sucks. Single 24 year olds should at least have their family to fall back on since there isn't anyone else. Every single person I am close to right now is either married or is engaged to be married within the next year. It really makes me sick to think about that. That I have been left behind with love. That I have this big-heart that is a complete waste. I don't want to admit it, but I have been blaming God a lot for this pain that I face with lonliness. Why did he have to give me a tender heart that cares for people and then want me to be as alone as I am and single for as long as I have been? Am I missing something? Was I supposed to be a solo-missionary, or travel the world, or have a job where I work all the time? At least if one of those things were true, I'd feel like my life had a meaning. But, nope, here I am, an assistant Preschool teacher in a buttload of debt, alone 70% of my life. Okay, need to move on from this topic because the knot in my stomach is only getting worse.

Let's see, about the movie "Taken" (why i put the "*" above, so that i'd remember to talk about why I liked it). As traumatic and scary this movie was, (the thought of being kidnapped and forced into human trafficking is mortifying) (I actually got chills at several points during this movie) there was a story of a father's implacable love. When the dad who risked his life MANY times trying to rescue his daughter finally rescues her, immediately, the picture of God embracing each one of us came to mind. How we were lost, destitute, without hope, and God not only RISKED His life, He GAVE it, so that He could embrace us and dry our tears once again. I highly doubt that the person who wrote this movie intended to convey that, but it was a perfect picture of that to me. :)

Another reason that I think I decided to blog was because for some reason I do not want to write this letter to all of the parents in my class about celebrating Amanda's summer birthday in a week and a half. What is my problem?! Should not be a big deal at all... Then I also need to cook this ground turkey that I HAVE to cook tonight or else it needs to be thrown out. Then of course, there is cleaning that I realized when I got home this evening, I would live like a slob if it weren't for my roommate coming home every now and then. If I lived completely on my own, I would not clean my place! No reason to, as all of my friends are married and don't come over to my place- one of the biggest reasons being I don't have TV!!! Sad, but true story.

So guess I should go make an effort at doing the things that I've put off for the whole weekend. Enough procrastinating, as beneficial as blogging was. Still need to do those things.

Peace out!!