in other news

I am starting to worry myself. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. Totally random, seeing as I have never been in a serious relationship and I'm still a virgin. I think I'm working myself up lately that I am going to be alone for my entire life. I have been trying out eHarmony for the past 2 months and have one more month left to go, and it has been completely unsuccessful. Which ticks me off because my roommate met her soulmate in one week of being on eHarmony. Me, I can't even get a guy to respond back to my first questions without them closing the match due to stupid reasons such as: "I don't feel the chemistry is there", "I think our family backgrounds are too different" and my vague favorite, "other". It really makes me lose faith that guys are not simply superficial jerks that only care about a woman with a nice body. It really doesn't help that I currently have no guy friends, the one guy friend I had just got married and moved to Nevada.

I have lost my passion for a lot of things in the past few years. Now that I'm on the other side of the college experience, I am freaking out about having to pay loans back. I keep fantisizing that I will win like $50,000 so that I can pay them all back right now and be able to have a life. Instead of the reality of being trapped, barely scraping by for the next 20 years. When I'm 43, I won't remember much from my college education, for it's only been 5 months since I graduated and I already don't remember so much. I'm worried that I will be regretting having taken out these monstrous loans to get a degree in something that really isn't that practical. While I wouldn't trade my college experience for anything at this point, I do wish that I didn't have the burden of debt weighing me down forever to come. But I should dream on. I need to be grateful that I am surviving at this point on my own, and if I have to go into deferrment for a while, that's what I have to do.

But, yeah. I still love pictures, I guess I feel that I'm just not adequately trained to use my new camera properly. I don't have much inspiration lately for picture taking. I get bored of taking pictures of the same things...flowers and lots of other naturey things...I would love to be able to take good pictures of people. That makes me happy. Mostly, I like sharing good pictures of people with the people the picture is of. Maybe I should work in a photo studio! One of my friends from high school who just had her firstborn, also owns her own photo studio/company. She has the life I want!! (Minus being a mormon). Some people just get it all. And others are sitting alone in their one bedroom apartment, heating up some leftover tamales, fearing that this is all life has for them. While I love my job, I don't have a life outside of it, and so weekends tend to be melancholy. My dad is supposed to be coming down to visit me next weekend, I sure hope that he follows through with that. He's been known to forget important dates before.

Anyway, guess I'll go and listen to my awesome Twilight Saga Mix music. Thanks again Maryann!!