Where to begin? It’s been a while since I last blogged. This semester has been one of the most challenging of all my college experience thus far, even without Biblical Hebrew. Bible majors at TMC are required to pass an ordination exam before they are granted their diplomas (well, we aren’t actually ordained, but we still have to pass the same exam that a pastor at Grace Community Church has to pass in order to become a pastor.) Now keep in mind, that as a woman, I will never be a pastor. I’ve never had a desire to be a pastor, and even if I did, I would not disregard what the Bible has to say about women being in Biblical authority over a man. So what I’d like to know (I guess from God) is why do I have to pass the exam on the same grading scale as a man who is pursuing the pastorate? This exam is cruel and unusual punishment for a person trying to obtain their B.A. in Bible. I am having serious doubts that I was even cut out for this. Anyway, I’ve studied for the past MONTH for this exam. No joke, I have spent every weekend, and didn’t go to classes the entire past week studying for this 3 hour comprehensive test. I have eaten, slept, and breathed Senior Comp. I have shed many-a-blood, sweat, and tear droplet over Senior Comp. I have prayed and pleaded with God like I’ve never prayed or pleaded before to pass this exam. And honestly, walking out of the exam after 2.5 hours of typing my brains out, I thought that there was hope. I could now see the speck of light at the end of the tunnel. I actually acknowledged the fact that the birds were chirping and the warm sun was still shining there at North Campus. My head felt lighter than it’s felt in weeks, and I was smiling because I thought there was a chance that I would be done with this exam and that I could look forward to graduation in just a few months. But then, as I was discussing the exam with my roommate who is also the same emphasis, I realized that I had answered one of the questions wrong. I didn’t read what the question had said correctly and I auto-piloted the answer out. That is when the knot in my stomach returned. Things seemed gloomy again. Sure enough, that is what I did, I bombed the test. There are MANY things wrong with this exam, the fact that the grading is completely subjective is probably the biggest problem, and I don’t think I could list all the messed up aspects about this exam, but I hate the fact that I could have gotten every other question 100% correct and if I mess up even ONE bold question’s answer, I FAIL. Now, in the past 2 hours since I realized my BIG mistake, I’ve tried to console myself, my roomie tried to console me, my roomie’s mom tried to comfort me and honestly, I think this will just take time for me to regain my brain strength, realize that the world is still spinning and magazine salesmen still try to sucker you into buying their crummy magazines to earn ‘points’ so that they can go on fun trips to Europe (or maybe just buy more pot) while I will get to study all over again for this horrendous exam, in hopes that I will pass so that I can actually graduate. I remind myself that God has used my failures in the past in miraculous ways, and this time is probably no different, and maybe I should be excited for the endurance that this test will build in me, but hindsight is 20/20, right now it’s pretty blurry and not really all that great. I really just want this day to be over. To be able to go to church again (I haven’t in like a month because I’ve studied for this blasted exam) and worship God, even when I’m hurting and life doesn’t really seem fair. To praise Him even in this storm is my desire. God is still sovereign, faithful, omnipresent, omnipotent and so much bigger than I am. He knows what He’s doing even if I don’t. I think mostly though, I am disappointed the most that I’ve spent over a hundred hours studying and I won’t even get credit for it. On the same token though, I prayed that no matter what the outcome of my exam, that God would be glorified. I gave my utmost for His highest, and I do pray that God is glorified somehow in that; my efforts. I am also really glad that Amanda got the emphasis question right. She is supposed to graduate in a month and if she were not to pass this, she would be more than devastated. It would mean that she makes $40 less per week because she wouldn’t have her diploma. If that were me, I would be more than upset at myself. But I have another semester, and another chance to get it right. To continue to remain faithful to God in prayer and persevere until the end will be the lesson that I will keep learning. And not just the end of college, but until the end of my physical life, or until Christ returns, whichever comes first. Oh well. *Sigh*
I think I’m going to go watch a movie and vedge. I can’t even remember the last movie I saw. I think it was probably Across the Universe back in September. Sad. But that’s how dedicated I’ve been. Too bad all of that dedication won’t pay off yet. Hopefully it will someday.
I miss my friends. And my family. I’ve seen only one of my friends since August. I miss the days when I felt like I was on the same page as everyone. When it seemed that the group of us all had similar beliefs; Things aren’t that way anymore. Sure, there have always been disagreements, but I know that we’ve all become more cemented in what we believe now. It will continue to be a battle regarding what the Truth is without seeming subjective. I know that this is the way the world is and as a Christian it will always be an apologetic battle for what is right in God’s eyes/ through our Biblical eyes.
Well, if there's anything that usually cheers me up, it is the commercial posted above. I laugh everytime.
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